Family and Relationship
Sex drive: How do men and women compare? Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more “fluid.”
Birds do it, bees do it and men do it any old time. However, women will only do it if the candles are scented just right – and their partner has done the dishes first. This is a stereotype, but is it true? Do men really have stronger sex drives than women?
Well, yes, they do. Study after study illustrates that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down.
It’s common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire. However, women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.
“Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context,” says Edward O. Laumann, a professor of sociology and lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality:
Here are seven patterns of men’s and women’s sex drives that researchers have found. Keep in mind that individuals may vary from these norms.
1. Men think more about sex.
The majority of adult men under 60 years old think about sex at least once a day, reports Laumann. Only about one-quarter of women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasise less, but men still fantasise about twice as often.
In a comprehensive survey of studies comparing male and female sex drives, Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, found that men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies.
2. Men seek sex more avidly.
“Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it and after many years of it,” Baumeister concludes after reviewing several surveys of men and women. This isn’t just true of heterosexuals.Men also say they want more sex partners in their lifetime, and are more interested in casual sex.
Men are more likely to seek sex even when it is frowned upon or even outlawed:
About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though about half also say they feel guilty about it, Laumann says. By contrast, about 40% of women say they masturbate, and the frequency of masturbation is less among women.
Prostitution is still mostly a phenomenon of men seeking sex with women, rather than the other way around.
Nuns do a better job of fulfilling their vows of chastity than priests. Baumeister cites a survey of several hundred clergy by Sheila Murphy in which 62% of priests admitted to sexual activity, compared to 49% of nuns. The men reported more partners on average than the women.
3. Women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s.
What turns women on? Not even women always seem to know. University researcher Meredith Chivers and colleagues showed erotic films to gay and straight men and women. They asked them about their level of sexual arousal, and also measured their actual level of arousal through devices attached to their genitals.
For men the results were predictable. Straight men said they were more turned on by depictions of male-female sex and female-female sex, and the measuring devices backed up their claims. Gay men said they were turned on by male-male sex, and again the devices backed them up. For women the results were more surprising. Straight women, for example, said they were more turned on by male-female sex. However, genitally they showed about the same reaction to male-female, male-male and female-female sex.
“Men are very rigid and specific about who they become aroused by, who they want to have sex with, who they fall in love with,” says J. Michael Bailey, a university sex researcher and co-author with Chivers on the study.
By contrast women may be more open to same-sex relationships thanks to their less-directed sex drives, Bailey says. “Women probably have the capacity to become sexually interested in and fall in love with their own sex more than men do,” Bailey says. “They won’t necessarily do it, but they have the capacity.”
Bailey’s contention is backed up by studies showing that homosexuality is a more fluid state among women than men. In another broad review of studies, Baumeister found many more lesbians reported recent sex with men, when compared to gay men’s reports of sex with women. Women were also more likely than men to call themselves bisexual, and to report their sexual orientation as a matter of choice.
4. Women’s sex drives are more influenced by social and cultural factors.
In his review Baumeister found studies showing many ways in which women’s sexual attitudes, practices and desires were more influenced by their environment than men:
- Women’s attitudes towards (and willingness to perform) various sexual practices are more likely than men’s to change over time.
- Women who regularly attend church are less likely to have permissive attitudes about sex. Men do not show this connection between church attendance and sex attitudes.
- Women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex.
- Women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices (such as oral sex); education made less of a difference with men.
- Women were more likely than men to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities such as premarital sex and their actual behaviour.
Why are women’s sex drives seemingly weaker and more vulnerable to influence? Some have theorised it is related to the greater power of men in society, or differing sexual expectations of men when compared to women. Laumann prefers an explanation more closely tied to the world of sociobiology.
Men have every incentive to have sex to pass along their genetic material, Laumann says. By contrast women may be genetically predisposed to choose their partners carefully, because they are the ones who can become pregnant and end up taking care of the baby. They are likely to be more attuned to relationship quality because they want a partner who will stay around to take care of the child. They’re also more likely to choose a man with resources because of his greater ability to support a child.
5. Women take a less direct route to sexual satisfaction.
Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. “I hear women say in my office that desire originates much more between the ears than between the legs,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity. “For women there is a need for a plot – hence the romance novel. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire,” Perel says.
Women’s desire “is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion,” Perel adds. Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, Perel says, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.
That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love and connection in a relationship, just as women do. They just view the role of sex differently. “Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex,” Perel explains. “For men sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender, loving, vulnerable side,” Perel says. “It is their language of intimacy.”
6. Women experience orgasms differently than men.
While researchers find it difficult to try to quantify issues such as the differing quality of male versus female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there. Men on average take four minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation, according to Laumann. Women usually take around 10 to 11 minutes to reach orgasm – if they do.
That’s another difference between the sexes: how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among men who are part of a couple, 75% report that they always have an orgasm, as opposed to 26% of the women. In addition, not only is there a difference in reality, there’s one in perception too. While the men’s female partners reported their rate of orgasm accurately, the women’s male partners reported that they believed their female partners had orgasms 45% of the time.
7. Women’s libidos seem to be less amenable to medication.
With men’s sex drives seemingly more directly tied to biology when compared to women, it may be no surprise that low desire may be more easily treated through medication in men. Men have embraced medicines as a cure not only for erectile dysfunction but also for a shrinking libido. With women, however, the search for a medicine to boost sex drive has proved more elusive.
Testosterone has been linked to sex drive in both men and women. But testosterone works much faster in men with low libidos than women, says Dr Glenn Braunstein, an endocrinologist and a leading researcher into testosterone treatments in women. While the treatments are effective, they are not as effective in women as in men. “There is a hormonal factor in [sex drive], but it is much more important in men than women,” Braunstein says.
Medically Reviewed by Dr Rob Hicks