Family and Relationship

Text Messages from a White Guy (and What to Reply)

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TEXT: “I could sure use a massage and a fuck from you”
Two assumptions on my part, right off the bat: 1) you’ve fucked this guy before and 2) at some point the topic of massages came up. If these assumptions are off base and this guy is someone you just met or been on a few dates with ignore this text message entirely; that is sketchy. But if you have fooled around and given each other massages in the past then you have just received a text that I call the “Hail Mary Pass.”

The Hail Mary Pass in football is when a player throws the ball in desperation with only a small chance of his teammate catching it and then scoring. In texting, the Hail Mary Pass is when a guy or girl sends the late night booty message without so much as a “How do you do” before it. They mainly come after midnight and at least two drinks deep, when the texter is feeling bold enough to just try and get in bed without any pretense.

The guy sending this sort of text isn’t confident it’s going to work; in fact he’s often sure it’s going to fail. But there’s something primal about the booty text where he simply can’t control himself. He wants you, desperately, and is covering it up with bravado. I’m of the opinion that guys should try and be a little more clever than this sort of message. Not a lot of wooing here. I mean, he’s not even offering to massage you back; not a good sign in terms of further reciprocity when you move on to the sex part.

REPLY: If the sex is awesome and you like him? “Come over. But you’re giving the massage.” Assuming he’s actually sorta a nerd and you’re not feeling it? An “In your dreams” never goes out of style.

Lodro Rinzler is the author of ‘Walk Like a Buddha: Even if Your Boss Sucks, Your Ex is Torturing You, and You’re Hungover Again’ and the founder of the Institute for Compassionate Leadership

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